“Give me liberty, or give me death!” — Patrick Henry
Are you an aging ultra-libertarian who recently came across the wonderdrug called HGH (Human Growth Hormone)?
Did you first hear about this amazing chemical in the mid-90s and become convinced it was the future of humanity?
Did you then get it prescribed under dubious circumstances for years while attending numerous “health clinics”?
Perhaps, after a while, you grew frustrated as the drug became widely used in Major League Baseball, where the scandal led the drug to be classified as a controlled substance.
Maybe this then sparked a deep hatred for the government and all the power it had over individuals.
You may have even had an entirely rational solution to that new problem.
A resolution involving you gathering a few billion dollars, heading out into the Caribbean, and starting a man-made capitalist island paradise.
An island where you, the über libertarian, would naturally rule as a literal king.
If this sounds like you, then your name is probably Lazarus Long — after legally changing it from Howard Turney, that is.
The Principality of New Utopia
Howard Turney was an avid self-experimenting pseudo-psychopath who loved the idea of staying young forever.
He hated governments.
Especially governments who slapped his hand whenever he reached into the HGH cookie jar.
And he was responsible for the idea of New Utopia — an ultra-libertarian island paradise where he and all his friends could hang out doing whatever they wanted.
The general idea?
The government can’t control HGH if the government was pro HGH. Duh.
Howard really, really, really liked HGH.
But his principles wouldn’t allow him to just try to recreate it or obtain it illegally. No, that would be absurd.
So he went with the next best logical thing of trying to gather billions of dollars to create a man-made island in the middle of the Caribbean where a reef was submerged 60 feet underwater.
He didn’t want to create your regular old tropical paradise island nation either.
No, his ideal new country had visions of a world-class hospital clinic, a grand casino, 700 condominiums, a full harbor, and an airport.
All on a man-made structure that would somehow defy the salty ocean wind, the pummelling hurricanes, and basically the laws of nature itself.
Somewhere along the line, Howard felt his name no longer suited his purpose. He needed a name befitting a king — literally. As that was his chosen form of ruling for the world’s newest country.
In 1995, after taking HGH religiously for 2 years, he felt his newfound fountain of youth meant he was pretty much immortal.
This seemed familiar to him because one of his favorite authors outlined a character who was also immortal.
A character who became immortal after taking a magical rejuvenation treatment at the book’s version of a “health clinic.”
That character’s name?
Yup, you probably guessed it.
Howard really, really, really liked HGH.
How do you create a country?
Creating a “Venice of the Caribbean” can’t be easy.
First, he needed money — to the tune of a few billion dollars.
And in 1999, this wacky new thing called the Internet was rolling around. Surely this would be the answer to his dream of a libertarian society for all to enjoy equally.
Except for him as the king of course. He wouldn’t want to be seen as a mere mortal, would he? That’s such pleb-thinking. So, Lazarus set out to raise funds in this new online world.
In a fraudulent manner, of course.
He reached out around the world via his website offering shares and bonds to raise money for this massive undertaking.
He sought a mere $100 million — enough to get the project off the ground and rolling. And he was making great progress, he told his friends — he’d already raised $24,000!
But of course, that pesky American government got involved again. Those rascals over at the SEC apparently didn’t like him committing something called “fraud.”
In a complete coincidence, Lazarus wasn’t able to pay any of the $24,000 back to the SEC after being successfully sued. Apparently, he had already spent the money on something.
I can H-ardly G-uess w-H-at that would be, though.
Ideal planned city
King Lazarus Long had a grand vision for this island nation. He wanted it to become an ultra business-friendly destination.
In fact, he wanted to model the micronation after the writings of Ayn Rand, Napoleon Hill, Robert Heinlein, Dale Carnegie, and Adam Smith.
Zero income tax. Zero export tax. And only 20% import tax (going to his royal coffers).
Because as everyone knows, trickle-down economics clearly worked. But he wanted people to be free to do what they want, get top-notch health care, gamble their coins away, and enjoy the tropical climate.
However, he didn’t want it to be completely libertarian. There would be absolutely no crime or drugs allowed.
Well, except for HGH of course.
But that’s not really a drug, it’s a rejuvenation elixir!
When will it be built?
In the end, King Lazarus passed away in 2012 at the age of 80, never seeing his final life goal come to fruition.
But don’t fret, my friends.
His daughter — the Honorable Princess Elizabeth Henderson — has promised in 2017 that she will build the vision of her father and fully complete it by 2021!
And here in 2022, the last time the official website was updated was in 2017. So, I’m sorry to tell any über libertarians and HGH-loving 90s MLB players out there that you’ll have to find another fraudster to fund your paradise.
Don’t worry though, I’m sure one of the über messed up billionaires is already planning one in space by now.
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