“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” ― Lily Tomlin
Not all good stories have a happy ending.
When people make the ultimate commitment to their significant others, they state their vows and live happily ever after until the very end.
Usually.
But sometimes those two points can intersect in a naughty fashion. That’s what happened to these 5 people who died making love and breaking their vows at the same time.
Two sins with one bone.
“Your cars are very ugly and they smell very bad.”
Félix Faure was never expected to become the most powerful person in France in 1895. He was unassuming, polite, and seemingly didn’t have the ambition to rise to the very top.
But luck rolled in his favor when the National Assembly had to break a stalemate for an election. They required someone who was somewhat unbiased and non-hated.
In steps Félix.
Vive le président!
A couple short years later he met Marguerite Steinheil. She also seemed to not-hate him, and soon became his mistress.
He died while in office and while, well, in Marguerite.
He was found dead in a room with her, with half his clothes missing. The rumor at the time stated she was performing oral on him when he suddenly had a seizure.
She may have blown off a bit more than he could handle that day.
“A man should make all he can, and give all he can.”
Nelson Rockefeller was a famous businessman and politician during the mid-20th century. He was born into a life of luxury as the grandson of the legendary John D. Rockefeller.
Later on in life, he governed the state of New York and went on to the Vice Presidency of the United States from 1974 to 1977.
Nelson was notable for several different hobbies. He collected arts. He loved architecture. He was rumored to enjoy extramarital affairs.
His death was no different, it included all three.
On January 26 of 1979, he suffered a fatal heart attack. He was with a 25-year-old former aide from his vice presidency, in an apartment he paid for furnished in his fine art.
What does a young lass named Megan Marshack do when helping a former vice president cheat on his wife, inadvertently killing him in the process?
Call her reporter friend, apparently.
Ponchitta Pierce, reporter at large, immediately went to her friend’s place and promptly called an ambulance. Promptly being 1 hour later in this case.
The Rockefeller family had Nelson’s remains cremated shortly after his death, and an autopsy was never performed.
So if he actually died in the act, no one really wanted to know. But I’m sure Megan may have had a few long-lasting nightmares.
The first of which would’ve been where to find a new apartment in pricey uptown New York.
“The most dangerous tendency of the modern world is the way in which bogus theories are given the force of dogma.”
Jean Daniélou grew up in France during the tumultuous period of the world wars. His father was an anti-church politician in the French government for many years.
Ironically, Jean himself went the opposite direction, becoming a member of the Jesuit branch of the Catholic Church. He was also a noted religious historian, publishing over 20 works throughout his life.
His prominence grew to such a magnitude that Pope Paul VI made him a Cardinal in 1969.
5 short years later, he was found dead inside a prostitute’s abode.
Historians and religious figures argue over just what he was doing inside that home, and the full truth was never admitted.
It didn’t help when the initial reports from the Catholic press changed their story no less than 3 times in the aftermath of his body’s discovery.
And of course, when organizations lie, they’re definitely not trying to hide something, right?
Jean Daniélou may not have been married to a woman, but he may have cheated on his vows nonetheless.
How many women have been pope? Nun.
Pope John XII was one of the more infamous popes to have ever served. He was both the ruler of the Papal States in Rome as well as the pope for almost 9 years starting in 955 AD.
He was also quite young for a pope, starting his tenure at the young age of 18! He was also quite horny.
Most historians agree he was more of a ruler of people rather than of religious virtues. He was promiscuous and belligerent throughout his reign.
Other leaders weren’t too fond of the pope behaving in this manner and soon looked to stop him.
In an attempt to stave off his enemies, John appointed the German king Otto I as emperor and sworn protector of the Papal territories.
As king Otto slowly started to retake conquered holy lands, the pope grew increasingly paranoid that he would be backstabbed. At one point, he decided to reach out to his sworn enemy’s son to create a coalition against his own crowned Emporer.
Confused yet? Yea, me too.
Eventually, emperor Otto learned of this unexpected betrayal and came to bring the pope to justice. He won the city of Rome while the pope fled into the countryside, along with the holy treasury.
King Otto may have been just about as bright as Johnny because after deposing him, he left the city to it’s newly instated rulers.
A little while later, Johnno mustered up a small army of supporters and retook Rome, again. After mutilating some of his enemies in a not-so-holy manner, he sent out envoys to plea with Otto for leniency.
Before he could hear a response, John died while outside the city doing some hunting.
What was he chasing? Nothing less than forbidden fruit of course — a married woman.
He was thought to have died either from internal bleeding after the encounter, or from being beaten to death by the cuckolded husband.
Holy shit.
J.J. Pryor
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